I’m a schmuck

Maybe it’s me.

A few posts ago, I mentioned that I really like reading The Dilbert Blog by Scott Adams. A couple of days ago, he wrote something that took on a new meaning for me today:

“My favorite Mr. Boffo comic of all time featured Mr. Boffo (I assume) in a jail cell talking to his cellmate. He says about himself, Nineteen arrests. Nineteen convictions. Maybe its me.

I come back to that philosophy often. You can only explain so many times why everyone else is wrong before you have to accept that the problem is on your end. Today I realized its me.”

While he meant it in a different context, it really hit home today. I just spent five minutes being bitched out by someone I consider one of my best friends. Why was I being bitched out? Because I was stupid, sanctimonious, self-righteous, judgemental, and my foot was stuck so far down my throat that I could kick my own butt from the inside. The only reason why it was just five minutes was because my friend got another phone call. Best case scenario? The friendship survives, because my friend knows that I say senseless things all the time without realising how other people will perceive them. Worst case scenario? This was one stupid incident too many, and even the best of friends have their limits.

What do I think will happen? I’m not sure. But what bothers me is that just when I think I might have grown and matured as a person, and am less likely to get myself in trouble, a clusterfuck like this happens and I’m in the middle of a brand new shitstorm of my own making. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, and I know for a fact that it won’t be the last. Maybe the issue isn’t that people have problems adjusting to me. Maybe I’m the one having problems adjusting to people. Maybe it’s me.

This isn’t intended to be a self-pitying plea for sympathy. I’m not looking for people to understand that I’m an idiot. At some point in time, I need to take responsibility for my actions and statements. But even more importantly, at some point in time beyond that, I need to stop doing and saying stupid things so frequently. I need to stop being an idiot. And I can’t keep clinging to the excuse that “I don’t know how to stop”. It doesn’t matter how I change. It just needs to happen.

I am very sorry for what I said. Lord knows I’m only trying to be the best friend I can be to everyone. But Lord also knows that I’m failing miserably. And that’s what scares me. It’s one thing to be bad at something you don’t care about. It’s another thing to be bad at something you’re trying your hardest to be good at. Like I said, maybe it’s me. The trick now is to change.

*Update 1* The friendship will survive. But that doesn’t change anything else I’ve written. I’m still an oblivious idiot, and it needs to change.

*Update 2* Bill Frist is an idiot . Or he’s completely lost all sense of propriety and perspective. I guess at the end of the day, if I want to feel better about myself, I can just say, “at least I’m not a Republican member of Congress.”

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