21-Apr-2005

The original plan was to work 12 hours today, to make up for the
time I will miss tomorrow. But I’ve decided that 11 hours is more than
enough, so I’m writing this instead. However, I intend to be completely
honest, and only claim 10.3 hours of work (the last 45 minutes was
spent talking to Nishma). I’ll make up the difference tomorrow and next
week.

Well, this has certainly been a week of self-revelation, and it’s
not even half done! I spent a few minutes talking to Sandra, and we had
an interesting personal discussion. She told me a couple of things
about myself that I probably already knew, but never explored in much
detail, probably because I knew I wouldn’t be happy with the answers.
Her first claim was that I find it hard to ask my friends for help. I
was about to disagree with her, but then I realised she was right. Now,
whenever I’ve felt bad and wanted a friend to listen to me whine and
moan about one of the many girls I’d “loved and lost”, they were always
there. But I don’t remember the last time I actually asked one of them
for help . And I realised that I don’t want to ask my friends
to help, because I’m always afraid that I’ll be burdening them with my
problems. The reason that this is funny is because I’m always going out
of my way to help others, and letting my friends know that they can
rely on me, and that they are not burdening me. But I find it hard to
do the same and rely on them. Very hard.

That brings me to her second observation, which is ;related, but
harder to define. Like her, I hate losing control. I hate not being
able to do things on my own ;terms, to some extent. Maybe it’s
because the first time I completely gave away ;that control, I got
hurt. I don’t know. ;But that probably ties in a little bit with
why I don’t ask my friends for help. Because, by doing so, I am
inherently giving up that control, and trusting them to be there. And I
always worry, “what if they’re not there?”

The catch is, I want to be able to give up that control. I want to find that person with whom I know
I don’t need to worry. The one person who, come hell or high water,
will be there for me or die trying. I’m not saying that I don’t have
anyone that comes close (that asshole in Atlanta comes to mind), but no
one who makes me feel completely safe. I guess all that remains is to
see if I ever do meet that person.

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